Liar, Liar

Hello Loves!

I hope your Thanksgiving was filled with good food, long naps, happiness and of course...love;) I know it’s been quite a while since my last entry. No excuses to be made...just haven't been on it like I should be. But in the spirit of "keeping it real" I want to discuss the topic of LYING! Why do people lie in relationships? Specifically speaking, why do men lie?? And let's narrow the field down a bit....why do they lie about their indiscretions with other women?

I know that may sound like a silly question. All the self-proclaimed good men out there probably rationalize that they lie to keep from hurting their mate. They'll say things like, "It was only once and it didn't mean anything." Or " Those text messages were just harmless flirting, I really love the one I'm with." All the dogs will admit that they want to have their cake and eat it too, so why jeopardize that with the truth. But really men, women have been telling you what will work in your favor for centuries. No matter how cliche' it may sound, honesty is always the best policy.

I mean it’s really like the ultimate trump card when you've done wrong in a relationship. Think about it. You cheat and you come to us and say, “Baby this has been weighing heavily on me since it happened, but last night I made a horrible mistake. I disrespected you in the worst way. I cheated and I’m sooo sorry. I understand if you don’t won’t me anymore. I have no excuses. I was weak. Ect” What can we say after that? Yeah, MAYBE we will kick you out, ignore your phone calls for a few days….yes, because the truth will hurt us. But think about this. What will the argument be like after your confession? You’ve answered any questions we may have, admitted to any accusations, and apologized before we even said a word. What’s left for us to say?

And to be honest, we want to forgive you. We want to believe that we have one of the good ones. But when you lie you eliminate any redeemable qualities about yourself. The lie alone will do more damage to our trust than the actual cheating. Wouldn’t you be more willing to forgive someone who made a mistake versus a liar? Liars makes the transgression more devious. What could have been a mistake in a moment of weakness is now an elaborate web of lies to deceive us. Even if we wanted to forgive you, think how hard it would be now.

Now I’m not saying that every man that cheats and confesses is in the clear nor should they be, BUT, a betting man, looking at the odds of a woman forgiving an honest man and the likelihood of that man getting caught in a lie, would put all his chips on being honest every time.

Well that’s my two cents on it anyway. What do you think ladies?

Until next time loves, stay faithful, stay honest, stay true…and remember Alls Fair In Love!

xoxo

In the Spirit of V-day: Unique Weddings

In the Spirit of V-day: Unique Weddings

Steve Harvey's Ex Wife (Mary Harvey) PART III

Steve Harvey's Ex Wife (Mary Harvey) PART II

Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z - Upgrade U ft. Jay-Z

An Excerpt from the Experts

Hello Loves,

Today I wanted to post something straight from the "experts". I put experts in quotation because the author I'm going to feature today has admitted he has no degree in sociology, he's not a doctor, or relationship guru. Everything he says is coming from his experience as man, a husband, boyfriend, and father. I'm talking about Mr. Steve Harvey. It seems odd that a comedian could have really anything of value to offer regarding relationships and love, right? But after thinking about it I realized it's just like when females ask our brothers, fathers, or guy friends to be honest with us and tell us what they think from a "man's point of view". And that's exactly what he does. I actually enjoyed his first book, "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" and was curious to see what else he had to offer from his second book, "Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man". I haven't finished it yet, but I've already read some things I wish some females that I know would read and apply to their lives. So with that being said, today I'm going to share an excerpt that talks about the importance of having your ish together when you walk up out the house! lol Enjoy:

"A woman who cares about herself and how she presents herself to the world, and looks like she'd elevate our game, is the woman who will get our attention; she's the one who will make a man down a shot, pat his boys on the back, and then take what feels like a twenty-mile walk through a crowded club to ask you for a dance, or work his way over to the vegetable section in the grocery store to strike up a conversation about the difference between Roma and vine-ripened tomatoes just so that he can talk to you.

Before you get too bent out of shape about what I'm saying here, keep in mind that this philosophy was taught to me by my mother, who dressed whenever she left the house – and she did this even though she was married already. [The man] will know up front he's dealing with a person who cares about herself. The way you dress is an extension of you. If you're seriously open to a relationship, why miss the opportunity of meeting someone because you didn't pull it together before you left the house? I'm telling you, a single woman who is serious about finding a man can't afford days where she totally lets it all go. In the event Mr. Right is somewhere in the vicinity, you have to be prepared to look the part of Mrs. Right. And if you’re not looking the part, a man will not imagine you in the part either.

For the first five or six months of [My wife and I ] being together, she always pulled it together - even when we were together in private. If she took a nap, she would go into the bathroom and freshen up before joining me. This sent a strong signal my way because any woman with a guy in my position is going to be in the spotlight too, and by doing little things to always be on point when it was just the two of us, she demonstrated that she could handle this role were our relationship to deepen. The same holds true for every guy - not just a celebrity whose mate's picture will be in magazines. Every guy earning a paycheck does this because at the end of the day he needs to have a lady on his arm who will make him feel as if he's doing well (or at least better than he really is)."

Keep Him In The Box

Happy New Year Loves!

Can you believe its 2011?? Does that even sound right? 2011. Where did 2010 go? Well, hopefully the passing of one year and the beginning of another marks the start of new adventures, goals, and (yes, you guessed it) …LOVE for all my singles out there! And seeing that it’s the start of a new year it seems only right that my first post in 2011 be about starting a new romance.

Nowadays, it seems that starting a new relationship is even more difficult than it’s ever been. There is so much more BS you have to put up with it seems. You have the men that feel that they are God’s gift to all women. You know the ones that can carry on an hour long conversation…alone…about themselves. Ugh. Or the losers, the bums, the complete waste of space who’s future goals are to get by in life via good looks, mama’s paycheck and the support of any woman desperate enough to mess with him. Of course the same applies to women. I know it can be just as hard….hmmm…let me rephrase. I know it can be frustrating for men as well looking for love;)

So what can all the real and honest people who are looking for love do to avoid wasting their time and affection on those who are not worthy? The answer is, become a systematic decision-maker. Okay, I know some of you are hitting me with blank stares right now. Lol Let me explain. Over the past few months I’ve been reading this book entitled, Discovering Your Future in a Global Society. It’s all about helping you discover your personality type which then allows you to make better life decisions. It mainly focuses on career decisions, but after reading it I realized that many of the concepts could apply to your love life…especially the ones dealing with your personal decision making style. Okay so basically there are two distinct decision making styles: systematic and spontaneous.

A spontaneous person makes a quick, intuitive decision and later tests it against information. A systematic decision-maker gathers a lot of information before making a decision and is often slower to make a commitment. So I’ve seen my fair share of mis-matched couplings that ended in disaster to know that most of us are spontaneous decision-makers when it comes to love. We go with that feeling in our gut (the butterflies) that tell us he/she might be the one well before we’ve done our proper due diligence. Then down the road after we’ve took things to the next level, we discover we’ve made a mistake and the culprit has walked away with our emotions, time, and intimacy.

So how does a being a systematic decision make deter that behavior? The best way I can explain is through example and my roommate is THE definition of a systematic, decision-maker. A few weeks before the infamous Black Friday we found this ad in the paper for a 40”, 720p, LCD, Flat screen for only $248. Awesome deal, right!? So of course we looked up a few reviews on the TV that day. Like the average consumer I was satisfied after that and of course consulting with my better half. My roommate, on the other hand, spent the remainder of the 2 weeks researching this TV like she was studying for the SATs. Come Black Friday she gets to the store to find the line wrapped around the building. After hours of standing in the cold with the other mobsters willing to bare the cold in the wee hours of the morning for their electronic heart’s desire, they finally get in! And what do you know just one more on the shelf. As she makes a mad dash toward the TV, in a matter of seconds someone swoops in from the sideline and picks it up. The story of our lives right, ladies;) Too many “buyers” not enough “merchandise”. But I digress.

Fortunately, she sees another TV on sale. Not as enticing as the other but still a great deal. It’s a 32”, 720p, Sony. She ends up buying the 32” and brings it home. And what does she do next? You’d think after all that waiting, research and madness and finally finding a TV to bring home she would rip open the box and mount her new conquest proudly on the wall, right? Wrong. The TV stays in the box for two weeks straight. During this time the research process begins again. Seems a little extra right? I mean two weeks?? It is a Sony…a trusted household brand. And a 32’ flat screen is nothing to sneeze at, especially in an apartment bedroom. Well, turns out on her second week of research she finds an ad for another TV at the same store, maybe $50 more, but this one is 40” and has 1080p. As you may have guessed, the process is begins yet again. She returns the 32”, purchases the 40”and yes, it stays in the box…for two weeks. But fortunately, after her two weeks of consulting the experts and surfing the web, my roomie finally hung her 40” on her wall Christmas morning and has been completely happy ever since…at least in regards to her TV. Lol

The moral of the story is, when you’re out there looking for love there will be a lot of factors that may make you want to rush into things. Maybe you’ve been without…”TV” for a really long time. Or maybe you feel like everyone else is snatching up all the good “TVs” so you’re willing to settle for one that’s decent…but not what you really want. Don’t be so quick to get a man that you don’t take the time to get to know who he really is before you make that commitment (emotionally, intimately, etc)…keep him “in the box” for a while to find out what he’s really about. I guarantee a little patience pays off;)

Until next time loves!

Xoxo

Elise
AllsFairNLove@gmail.com

New Year Love

Hello Loves!

I know its been a while...life has been crazy lately. However, during my leave of absence I have come across many many new hot topics for Alls Fair In Love and I can't wait to hear your thoughts and share what the experts have to say;) I have a lot of new ideas in store for the new year and I will resume blogging January 2011.

Until then...remember Alls Fair In Love!

xoxo

Elise

Cheaters Never Prosper

Hello Loves!

I hope yall had a lovely Labor Day;) I really couldn't have asked for a better one myself. I spent it with almost everyone who is near and dear to me. But alas, all things must come to an end, right? Tuesday I found myself on the connector, smack-dab in the middle of rush hour!! All my CDs are at home and no one is answering the phone...and to add to my misery, the only thing that's half worth listening to on the radio is the Michael Baisden show. For any of you that know me, you know that at this point I'm contemplating running out into oncoming traffic...if only it were moving faster than 5 miles an hour!

Okay, so you might be wondering why I dislike Michael Basden so much. Well to be honest...I think he's a douche. His view points on love, sex, and relationships are severely skewed and he always seems to have this pompous/pretentious way of talking to or about people who have different views or stronger values about marriage, love, and sex. Many times he talks about cheating on his show, and Tuesday was one of those days.

Surprisingly, he brings up a very interesting topic. He makes a comment that in his opinion, women are more forgiving when it comes to cheating spouses than men are. At first I didn't know how to take that. Is he saying we are weaker and more needy, therefore we easily disregard our mates infidelity? Or is he saying that in fact women are stronger and can move passed a bruised ego if the relationship is worth fighting for? Hell, it may be both! But what that got me thinking about is the difference between a man cheating and a woman cheating. I've had this discussion many time and have seen both scenarios played out in front of me; and from my experience I would have to say there is a difference...generally speaking.

When men cheat it typically has nothing to do with where their heart is, and more so with where his head is...if you catch my drift. There really are only 3 factors that play in a man's likelihood of cheating; 1) The probability of getting caught, 2) The uniqueness or rarity of the "other woman", and 3) impaired judgment brought on by outside substances or environment. For example, if you and all your friends and family live in Idaho and your boyfriend goes on a business trip to Sidney where he meets Beyonce and they both get super drunk and Beyonce starts coming on to him, the likelihood of him cheating is like 90% (even though the likelihood of that scenario ever happening is like .2%).

Now I'm not saying if your guy finds himself in that kind of situation he will cheat. Because there is something that trumps all of that. If your man is at point in his life where cheating does not appeal to him and he is of sound character, all those factors could be at play and he would never cheat. My point is, either way, whether he cheats or doesn't, it generally has little to do with how much he loves you. Thus making it easier for some women to forgive them.

On the other hand, there are fewer instances of women cheating without an emotional attachment. That's why statistically, when a woman cheats its most often an affair rather than a one night stand. You'll also find that while men can cheat with women who they may not find attractive, women most often cheat with men they consider more attractive (physically or in some other way) than their partner. They need some form of connection to whom they are being physical with, and its usually that connection that drives them to cheating in the first place. While there may only be 3 factors that contribute to why men cheat, the reasons for why women cheat are innumerable. Thus making it harder for men to forgive a cheating woman.

Personally, if I found out that my man had cheated on me, even if I knew it had nothing to do with his love for me, and even if I knew it was only one time, it would be a deal breaker. At this point in my life, its not about rather my man loves me, because I know he does; Its about his character and being on the same level a maturity in regards to our relationship. It also has to deal with respect. As you know, in any relationship, there has to be more than just love there in order to have a happy and successful life together. And if there is cheating involved, obviously something very important is missing.

What do yall think? Is there a difference between men and women cheating? Do women forgive easier than men? Hmmmmmm. LOL

Until next time...remember, Alls Fair In Love,
xoxo

Elise Alls
AllsFairNLove@gmail.com

Drama, Drama, Drama!

Hello Loves!

I have a question for you. Do you remember those horrible videos they use to advertise on infomercials about freak accidents caught on film? Do you remember how terrible it was to watch, but for some reason you continued to look on in horror? Well, that's what its been like for me these past few months as I observed some of the most volatile relationships I've ever seen. I mean I feel like I've seen it all! From the demanding and nagging wife or the controlling violent husband, to the naive girlfriend and the 3 baby-mama-having/cheating boyfriend. And do you know what the common denominator is with all these "relationships"?? D-R-A-M-A!

Its almost like they feed off of it. I mean the ones with the cheating boyfriends constantly complain about other females calling their phone. They update their Facebook status with personal messages to the other woman...airing their business out for all to see. They come up with elaborate schemes to catch their boyfriends in a lie. They check phone records, credit card reciepts, ect. And when they do find something (because they always find something) it's World War III. I mean rocks through windows, breaking into their Facebook accounts and posting embarrassing information, calling their mothers to tell them how horrible their son is. And at the end of it all do you know what happens??? Yeah, you guessed it. THEY ARE BACK TOGETHER! Its like your own live soap opera. The crazy thing is, when they're in front of people they are always the ones who are the most affectionate. They can't keep their hands off of each other.

You know the ones that are always so passionate in public. Its like they're overcompensating for something that's missing in the relationship...or trying to prove something to themselves, like, "Look how much we kiss and touch each other....we LOVE each other!" Ugh. And It's not just those with cheating boyfriends either. The relationship with the demanding and nagging woman is the worst. She's constantly tearing her husband down in public. Whenever possible, she seems to pick fights with him. It could be something as small as bringing home the wrong bread. "What kind of bread is this?" "Are you stupid??" "I mean do you listen to anything I say. That's why we always fight cause you always have to do things your way and you don't know how to listen!" I'm telling you no lie, this dialog actually exists. But it's the same end results...extremely passionate make up sex.

In fact, every single volatile relationship I can think of was also an extremely passionate one as well. I've come to the conclusion that the people in these types of relationships thrive off drama. They don't know how to function without it. They get bored or disinterested in their partner and create reason in their mind to cause drama or to start an argument. They see a relationships as a never ending series of make-ups and break-ups. How EXHAUSTING!

I guess if drama is what it takes for you and your partner to be happy together then who am I to disagree but I can't help but wonder if drama-filled relationships have any longevity. I've seen the boyfriend and girlfriend who are constantly arguing and struggling with infidelity get married. The arguing and purported cheating is still prevalent in the relationship...but just as much as I hear about the lies and the fights, I hear about the awesome love life. Could it really be that drama serves as a key element in the survival of some couples and a catalyst for a passionate love-life?? Or could it be the passionate sex that keeps the two together in-spite of the drama?? Either way, I have strong doubts that if you're involved in a drama-filled relationship, that you and your partner are in an emotionally healthy situation.

But hey, you guys know how the saying goes...Alls Fair In Love!

Until next time...xoxo,

Elise Alls
AllsFairNLove@gmail.com

How To Have A Long Distance Relationship

Today's Love Note: Let's Be Friends

Hello Loves!

Today's Love Note was inspired by a current...situation my friends and I have found ourselves in. Throughout the majority of our friendship we always had a group of male counterparts to chill with. A group of guys to invite over to home gatherings, birthday celebrations, game night, etc. Just a group of friends that balance all the estrogen in the room. But lately we've realized that our little get togethers are looking more and more like a girl's night in. Somewhere along the line between 3-4 year relationships, break ups, graduating, new careers, and moving, we've lost contact with our guy friends. So we set out on a mission to make new friends.

Only problem is...how do you just randomly make guy friends that aren't constantly trying to get with you?? Is it even possible? Thinking back, out of all of our groups of guy friends, at least one of us ended up dating one of them. So I pose the age old question to my lovely followers: Can men and women really be platonic friends? After consulting with a few guys I discovered that the male consensus was pretty much a "Hell NO!" They all said that the only way those relationships work is when the female has made it known there is no interest. However, the guy will always be ready and willing to take it to the next level. So Lovers, what do you say...are we attempting the impossible here or can men and women really JUST be friends?

Close But No Cigar

Tonight is the night. You've resisted your current McSteamy for as long as you can. The physical tension between you two is about to burst at the seams. In your mind you've played this very night over and over again. You invite him in. Your room is already doused in your most sensual fragrance. Candles are lit and on this very special occasion...your panties and bra are a perfect lacy-match. You know something extraordinary is going down tonight...hell, just his kiss is damn-near orgasmic! The way he moves and caresses you, there’s no doubt in your mind that your new beau is a maverick in the bedroom. The countdown begins; 5...shoes come off...4 ...belt and pants hit the floor...3...shirts and undies follow...2...he's suited-n-booted....1...LAUNCH OFF!

Wait a minute...Houston, we have a problem. Seems like your McSteamy was nothing but hot air! A total disappointment. Not only was your love marathon more like a stroll around the corner, but you two had about as much chemistry as a 5th grade English class. How could this have happened? And what do you do now??? Is the relationship over? But you really like this guy! Help!!

Dr. Trina Read, who has obtained a doctorate in human sexuality, notes that even though men say they want the truth, being blatantly honest about their "short-comings" in the bedroom can be devastating to their fragile male egos. Ironically, she also states the key to repairing and improving a sub-par sex life with your man is, you guessed it, open and honest communication. But how do you do that without striking a deadly blow to his manhood?

Enters Dr. Brian Parker, sexologist and the creator of two sexual intimacy board games "Embrace" and "Pillow Talk". Dr. Parker suggests it’s all about the timing and delivery. There's nothing more men like than to have their egos stroked every now and then. Dr. Brian says keep doing it. "Research shows that men and women respond better to positive reinforcement, so make sure that you compliment your man when he does something that feels good," states Dr. Parker. "Then, casually slip in what you’d actually like him to do to you."

It's a proven fact that women who use phrases like "instead of" rather than "I don’t like it when…" have successfully helped their man’s sexual performance. Dr. Parker suggest using the tried and true, "I Statement". For instance, try saying "I love it when you (insert something dirty here)," or "how about you (insert something even dirtier here)". Stay clear from negative reinforcement by using “You Statements” such as, “You never do (insert desired act)” or “You suck at….”.

So Lovers, there you have it! Add a little instructive/constructive pillow talk to your sexual regime and your love machine will be running in top-notch form before you know it. And remember, especially all the men out there with delicate egos, when you can’t express your sexual concerns openly, you lose out sexually. And ladies, while his ego might be momentarily scarred, even he will thank you when he learns what you really want. It’s like I always say people….Alls Fair In Love!

Xoxo

Elise Alls
AllsFairNLove@gmail.com

Today's Love Note: I'm A Big Girl Now

So its needless to say that times have changed as far as what is acceptable behavior for women in relationships and sex. Thirty years ago if you were living in the same house with a man that's not your husband, noses would be turned up at you...now it is quite the opposite. But even with this change in society, I find women still having the need to justify their actions in the bedroom. You know what I'm talking about. The ol' "Hell, I'm grown" excuse so many of us use to justify something "risque" we just did. But what does that even mean?? If sleeping with someone on the first date was slutty to you when you were 16 why is it different at 25? If it was dangerous to get in bed with someone you barely knew in high school, what makes it safer now that you have a career? Is being "grown" a true validation for some of our sexual acquisitions or just an excuse to give into our desires without feeling like a rebellious teenager?

What do you think Loves?

New Addition: The Love Note

Hello To All My Lovely Followers!

Okay first let me start with a heart-felt apology for my absence recently. I have been out of town for nearly this entire month with no access to a computer!! Yes, pure torture! The whole time I was thinking of you all and my mind was filled with new discussion topics. Unfortunately, I couldn't upload full post from my phone. So I came up with an idea to start doing Love Notes twice a week. A Love Note is a simple question, thought, idea, etc, designed to get feedback from, guess who, you guys! This way we can keep the Girl Talk going even when...I'm on the GO!

Oh and don't forget, I want to talk about what you want to hear! So e-mail me your love, sex, and/or relationship questions or issues and I'll post what the experts have to say on the matter. It can be completely anonymous...your secret is safe with me;) Send them to AllsFairNLove@gmail.com!

Black women unmarried

Great Expectations

Hello Loves!

Today I am extra excited about the upcoming events. Why, you might ask? Well in a few weeks I'll be turning the BIG 2-5. Now for some, this day may be bittersweet. It may represent an end to your youth or the beginning of a new journey. I think it all depends on where you are in your life. Are you satisfied with your choices and have you learned from the mistakes of your youth? Are you headed in the right direction to meet your goals? Have you met them already? Do you even have any?? If you would’ve asked me a year ago how I thought I would feel about turning 25 I probably would've started crying uncontrollably! LOL Needless to say, I wasn't headed in the right direction to meet my goals. To fully understand how I came to feel the way I feel now about turning 25, I have to tell you a little bit about who I was then.

I graduated from college about 3 years ago (December 2007 to be exact) at the very start of The Great Recession, according to economist. Almost as soon as I walked across the stage I landed my first job. I told myself when I got the job that I would continue looking for work more closely related to my field, something that made me happy. However, after four months of looking for a job with no results I slowly became more comfortable at my job. I pushed my dreams aside because the news, friends, and the WORLD told me that I was lucky to even be working during these times. For a while I was working off the high of having a have a job straight out of college and having a steady income...I felt secure. But after a while I became resentful about the work I had to do and the time it was consuming.

Ironically, just two months away from my third year at my job I got the dreaded call to the back office. I was being let go! The first person I called was my mom. After my rant of confusion, anger, shock, and a whole lot of inaudible sobbing, my mom said to me, "Elise, this may be a blessing...you said you weren't doing what you really wanted to do, now you have your chance." Ahhh, isn't a mother's wisdom golden?

She was right. I had spent the last three years of my life running on a treadmill. Granted I did gain valuable experience and met wonderful people but being let go was not a bad thing. That part of my life was over. The lessons that were there for me were learned and it was time for me to move on; Time for me to pursue what I really wanted. Now I really haven't been happier since college. I haven't found my dream job yet but I'm making the steps toward it and I won't make the mistake again of letting the comfort of security hold me back from being happy with what I really want.

After giving it more thought I realized that you should apply this mindset to every aspect of life. Even love. Don't settle for less than what you really want just because it's the "safe" or "secure" thing to do. I know that is easier said than done, but really when you do that, in the end you just wind up resentful. To be honest, the dating scene in Atlanta is dismal. I have a wonderful boyfriend of nearly 4 years now but many of my closest friends are single and I see the challenges they are up against. The ratio of men to women is egregious and of those available men…let just say a girl is gonna have to do her fair share of frog kissing to find her prince. It’s not uncommon for a single woman in her late 20s to 30s to hear another woman (be it her friend, mother, aunt, sister, grocery store clerk, etc.) tell her that her standards are too high and that’s why she is still single. “Lower your standards,” they say. Really? Is that what we must do now in order to find happiness in love…lower our standards??

Susan Page, author of “If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?”addresses this very issue brilliantly. She states:

"Actually, lowering your standards is impossible to do anyway. Your ideals and fantasies are what they are. It is not possible to alter them by an act of will, to simply wake up one day and say, 'Well I changed my mind. Now I don’t care whether the person I date is communicative.' It’s like asking a leopard to change its spots. You may tell yourself you have lowered your standards, but the real ones are always there – lurking somewhere in the background. "

All in all, there is no such thing in lowering your standards. But instead, what we should do is take the time to find out what our high standards really are. There’s an experiment in the book that I want to share with you all and encourage you to do.

A. On paper, describe your ideal mate. List all every little quality you’d like them to have. Take your time and include EVERYTHING. There is no need to be realistic or censor yourself.

B. Go back over your list and place either an “E” for essential or “D” for desirable next to each item.

C. List all “E” qualities on a separate page in order of their importance to you.

D. Draw a line under the top 5 items on the “E” list.

These are your standards. These are the things you must not compromise. They are what is important to you and will not change. If you get a chance share them with the rest of the Alls Fair in Love followers. I’ll share mine too!

Until next time…remember high standards or not, Alls Fair In Love!

Xoxo
Elise Alls
allsfairnlove@gmail.com

A Change Is Coming

Hello Loves!

I hope your week was, well...lovely! Mine was amazing. It's definitely summer time and love is in the (100 degree) air. Every time I turn around someone is getting engaged, married, finding new love, etc. I can't help but think it’s the change in weather that is responsible for heating up everyone's love life (pun intended). Even those who I thought would never find what they were looking for have stumbled upon their "perfect match".

I got a call from an old friend a few weeks ago and as we were catching up she told me she had a new beau. So my interest was immediately peaked. One, because anyone who knows me knows I'm extremely nosey (now there's some alliteration for ya)...and two, because to say this girl has bad luck with men would be the understatement of the century. So, as all these types of conversations go, I begin to ask the predictable and essential questions; "Where'd you meet?" "What does he do?" "How long have you been seeing him?" You know the drill. To give you the quick and dirty, he's an accountant who graduated from a University in his hometown. They met while she was visiting friends for the holidays there and they've been seeing each other since. He comes from a very conservative and religious family.

So this guy seems okay, right? WRONG! I've known this girl for at least 10 years and there is not one thing conservative or religious about her. She is a liberal to the fullest degree and in every sense of the word. If they were still burning bras in the middle of the street this girl would be leading the pack. I don't ever remember her setting foot inside a church, synagogue, mosque, or cathedral, and to say her sexual past was a little sketchy would be a compliment. Now don't get me wrong, she's a great friend but needless to say, sometimes I did worry about her frequent reckless behavior. And now she’s dating Mr. Straight-and-Narrow??? I really hate to say this, but as soon as she tells me about this guy I’m thinking this won’t last. Although, she has been known to change her persona to fit into her current love-interest’s ideal image of the perfect girlfriend…this guy was on the total opposite end of the spectrum. I foresee too many arguments…to many differences in opinion on fundamental beliefs. How could this work?

Fast forward to last weekend. My friend comes down to visit and we go out to catch up. I begin to order our first round of cocktails when she stops me mid-order. “I don’t drink anymore” she says. WOW! This is great. We have all been encouraging her to stop for a while but she has refused to admit there was a problem. I thought to myself how mature she has become. As the night continued I discovered even more changes in my friend. She had done a complete 180! Her political views, interests, and beliefs had all changed. Some of the change was good for her but some were just too out of character for her that I began to get a little worried. It was obvious Mr. Straight-and-Narrow was the source of the change. All her sentences began with, “Well, my boyfriend doesn’t think I should…” or “My boyfriend thinks….and I agree.”

Even though the changes she had made were for the most part positive, I couldn’t fully be happy for her despite my most sincere attempts. I guess I felt like the changes weren’t made because she decided that it was best for her, or that her eyes were open to a better and healthier way of life, but more so because she wanted to please someone else. She changed her world so she could exist in his. She wasn’t being true to herself or her beliefs. And to me, she was doing an injustice to not only herself but to him also. I mean, how long can you keep up the charade?? Eventually, if you haven’t changed for the right reasons, your true colors will begin to show.

So after much thought I decided to bring up my concerns to my friend. To my surprise, she responded with assuredness and clarity that sometimes in a relationship, if you really love someone, you have to give up a part of yourself in order to coexist peacefully. “It’s called compromise Elise,” she said derisively. Well, what more could I say after that. She’s made up her mind and I’ve learned from the ongoing feud between Heidi and Lauren, never to start an argument with a friend over who they’re dating. I guess time will only tell if she’s right or wrong…but it does bring up a good point; There is a thin line between compromise and sacrifice. Especially at the age of 25-30 and living in Atlanta where the men to women ratio is practically 20-80. Compromising is just part of the territory. But how much are we willing to compromise to find someone…enough to eventually lose ourselves??

Well there’s some food for thought for all my single ladies out there. Just remember while you’re navigating the mean streets singledom…Alls Fair In Love!

Xoxo

Elise Alls
AllsFairNLove@gmail.com

A Brave New World

Welcome Loves!

Today I am in a reflective mood. I've been thinking all day about how I got to where I am now. Financially, spiritually, and emotionally. My journey to the present has been an eventful one. I've changed so much from that 16 year old girl who believed everything in a relationship should be 50/50, to the now 24 year old woman who knows sometimes in a relationship, at some point, one partner will most likely have to give 60/40 or 75/25. I've learned in a mature relationship there will be compromises and times when one person will have to support the other just little more, whether it is emotionally or financially. But real men and women who have real love and respect for each other will grow together during those times, as opposed to tearing each other down. It’s funny how life can do that to you, isn't it?? How you can believe something your whole life and then one experience can change your mind or open your eyes. Sometimes though, I wonder, "Is it me that's changing, or the world around me...or both?"

I had a conversation with this girl a few weeks ago (we'll call her Testy-Tessa) and she told me her and her boyfriend of 3 months had not yet had sex. I thought to myself, "Wow, it's rare to see a relationship these days that go on that long without sex...kudos to you for making him wait!" Luckily, that was just a thought as it was not the case! As it turns out, Tessa told her boyfriend they could not have sex until he got tested. By the way, did I mention that they have been dating for 3 months now?? So needless to say, the test had not been taken. Apparently the guy was not comfortable with taking the test. He had never been asked to do this before and felt, I guess the best word is, insulted?

I thought about this for a while. My first reaction was that it’s smart on Tessa's part to demand that before they start their physical relationship they need to get tested. Then I thought back to when I was a freshman in college. Would I have felt the same way then? I remember distinctly having a conversation with a friend in college who refused to simply ask her boyfriend about his sexual past. She would say, "The past is the past girl...I don't want or need to know who he's been with before me!" "Just make sure you're safe...no need to have that in the back of your mind." To be honest I kind of bought into that...for a very brief moment. But my point is, if I heard someone say that today I would think they were gambling with their life. I had to ask myself, is this a sign that the world has just gotten too sexually brazen, so much so that it is now the norm for the first test of the relationship to be an STD test. Was the guy completely justified to be taken aback by such a demand? Or are we just older and wiser now. Are we now mature enough to not be afraid to get straight to the point and ask "how many?", "how long ago?", and "when was your last test?"

I never did find out if Testy-Tessa got what she was asking for, but I’m sure she didn’t think that her demands would lead to her will power being the one ultimately getting tested! Tessa if you’re reading this, stay strong girl…and remember, Alls Fair in Love!

WHAT THE EXPERTS HAVE TO SAY: Today I’m going to pull from the book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” by Steve Harvey. At one point in the book Steve talks about how a man feels when a woman asks for details about his past. He says “Yes –it makes us uncomfortable…still you have the right to know about your man’s past.” He goes on to stress that timing is everything. You’re probably not going to want to ask a guy on the first date how many people he has slept with and when was the last time he got tested…at least not a guy you plan on keeping around for long. So when is the right time to ask these questions? Well that is a matter of when you plan on being intimate with this person…and that’s a WHOLE other story for another day! 

Xoxo,

Elise
AllsFairNLove@gmail.com